The GoYin Store: Buy GoYin Wholesale

Since I might be getting some traffic from all of ya’ll searching on Goyin related terms, I thought I’d do something a little more constructive and less nonsensical.

So, I invite anyone who has had any sort of positive or negative experiences with Goyin, the new multi-level marketed product, whether as an IBO or a consumer of the product, to leave a comment on the Goyin Forum. If I find any of you Goyin personel astro turfing on my turf, I’ll call you on it (Mark and Willy).

Also, if any Goyin representative would like to send me a free sample so I can review it myself, please contact me.

Update: Goyin Forum

Since I was young, I knew I was goyin to be someone important and rich. That’s why I’m goyin to join this MLM. If I want a rich life, I am going (going?) to have to start thinking on my toes. That’s why Goyin will be my life’s focus for the next couple hours.

Update: Goyin Related Articles

Its been a little time since I’ve done any updates on the Sewellebrity wall. Since my last update, we’ve received three new signed glamour shots: Peter Gallagher, Slim Goodbody, and Denny Blaze.

Peter Gallagher is a bit of a strange one, especially since he’s actually in some movies I like, like American Beauty. Slim Goodbody is another strange one since he’s not really that into himself. Well, I guess wearing spandex with your insides printed on the outside, I guess that’s one way to be really into yourself.

Denny Blaze is a great fit, however. Check out one of his demo videos from back in the dizzay called “Average Homeboy”:

This signed pic of Denny Blaze actually cost $3, the most expensive glamour shot so far. He didn’t even sign it which is strange. Maybe average homeboys don’t sign pictures either. Yo D, thanks for keeping it real.

So I guess as long as I am trashing on local credit unions, here’s another complaint. I’ve used Utah Community Credit Union for years, and have been pleased (until now) with their service. I guess I’ll start with a compliment. One thing I like about them is that when you are depositing a check, all you have to do is endorse the back of it and write down your easily remembered account number under your signature, and let the teller know how much funds to put where. Washington Mutual always requires you to fill out an extraneous deposit slip.

But lately I haven’t been impressed. Recently they changed their website to include an extra security question if you are attempting to login from a different computer than usual. This is a good idea. If you are logging in from a different computer than usual, after you put in your account number and password, it asks you one of your predetermined questions, like, “What is your Father’s Middle Name” for instance.

I like to handle a lot of bill paying and banking using my phone’s web browser. I use Blazer, the default browser for Palm OS smart phones. So its my assumption that Blazer is one of the most commonly used mobile browsers. When I enter in my account number and password, it works fine, but when it asks me that security question, the submit button doesn’t work using Blazer (although with IE or Firefox on a computer, it works fine). So, thinking I was helping them with their traffic and their customer loyalty, I wrote this email to the webmaster:

Hi,

Whenever I attempt to login using Blazer, the default browser for Palm OS smart phones, I am able to get past the username/password page, but not the security question part. I can fill in the field with the answer, but the button under that to submit the answer doesn’t work, although it works fine with IE or Firefox on my computer.

Thanks,

cameron

Here is the response I got, which looks canned:

Dear Member,

For assistance with online banking access please contact member services. Representatives are available to assist you business days from 9:00 am to 5:30 pm at 223.8188 or toll free at 800.453.8188.

Please let us know if we can be of further assistance.

Sincerely,

Online Support Team

Utah Community Credit Union

I’m not savvy enough to know if this is an issue they can fix on their side, but my suspicion is that they could recode their site to make that page more compatible for mobile browsers because I’ve successfully logged in with Blazer before that security question page was instated.

Its just weird to me that they wouldn’t put in some sort of effort to fix something that would effect a significant amount of their traffic (I bet lots of people use their mobile browser to check their balance when they are out and about), and it is also doubtful that they handle such a large volume of emails that they have to send canned responses. I work for an internet retailer that serves North America, and our tech support team handles each email personally and with custom responses.

The least they could do is write a personal email explaining the cost inefficiency for them to invest the time for their engineers, or simply tell me its impossible to fix, if that’s the case. Or, hell, just lie to me or something. Usually people choose to go with a Credit Union because of the personal attention and because any input its members would give would be taken seriously. Apparently, UCCU has gotten big enough that that’s no longer the case.

The 28th of April was my brother Jason’s birthday so we decided to go see a matinee at the Spanish 8 theater. We sat through about 20 minutes (at least) of local advertising, including this interesting commercial for Deseret First Credit Union:

Is there any chance in hell you would want your money to sit anywhere on their premises? The whole Mormon element doesn’t really belong in the banking recipe. It makes Deseret First look like a bunch of backwards country bumpkins, not to mention I find this commercial offensive for several reasons. You really can’t poke fun at LDS inactivity without it feeling wrong.

This bank’s ridiculous marketing strategy reminds me of a post I wrote last month about Utah business men who exploit the church and Mormon culture in order to cash in on the general sheep herd mentality of Utah Valley. When their main angle is that they’re a bunch of Mormons and so therefore understand my values, does that mean they’re supposedly more honest than other credit unions? Does it mean that I won’t feel comfortable going in there if I’m not an active LDS person? Or does it basically mean that I’m dumb enough to fall for their obvious sub-cultural smoke screen? Do you think I could get a little interest back on my tithing while you’re at it?

Anyway, after we’d seen the same 5 minute loop of local commericials about 5 times, we noticed that the movie was about 10 minutes late. Jason finally stood up and asked someone why the movie hadn’t started with which they responded that they had forgotten.

The highlight of my day yesterday was this comment on my post from a Beckie Whittaker (if that’s your real name, sounds made up to me), commenting on the embarrassingly ridiculous subculture superstar Kirby Heyborne:

“How crass can a person get? This isn’t a proper review of talent or ability or personality. I don’t live in Utah and never have, so strike one there…
I’ve spent some time with Kirby Heyborne-and know people who work closely with him. There couldn’t be a nicer,more genuinely kind or any LESS self-absorbed person on this planet.
Some agencies or assistants don’t bother to respond, let alone send autographed cards out, so you’re pretty fortunate to have received a reply at all. Perhaps your time would be better served uplifting and contributing positively rather than posting rude “information” about people.”

-Beckie Whittaker

Beckie, I hate to mode you in front of everyone (wait, strike that, I’d love to), but if you thought my post was crass, you obviously don’t know Kirby’s full body of work. At least I didn’t use the ‘f’ or reference the Olson Twins in a very degrading sexually explicit way as in Kirby’s “funny” music video that can be seen here:

So in response to what you said about how i should be ‘uplifting and contributing’ to society, should I cc Kirby on that? And also, I think you would be less of a burden on society if you didn’t make comments about things of which you are obviously clueless. Oh yeah and you probably shouldn’t use your full name to leave comments anymore; unless you want your name search engine optimized for something so embarrassing.

(thanks Jon)

As you know, we’ve started a campaign to contact various celebrities based on certain criteria (all criteria doesn’t have to match):

1. They appear in the "where are they now?" file
2. They don’t have any noticeable talent (required)
3. They are giant self-absorbed douchbags

Recently Bagley contacted and received a response with a signed glamour shot from Kirby Heyborne. Many of you outside of the cultural death trap (Utah) probably aren’t familiar with Kirby Heyborne. He stars in some films that I wouldn’t even wish upon Saddam (who is definitely still alive).

These films are a phenomenon that have plagued Utah for about 10 years since the first God’s Army was released. A bunch of Utah business men with cameras realized that there was a niche to be filled for movies that exploit the unique mormon culture/lifestyle. They also realized that they wouldn’t need to be imaginative or clever because there are millions of people hungry to see themselves (by proxy of Kirby) on the silver screen. The business men mistook the word "niche" to mean "toilet" and filled it with feces.

Kirby doesn’t really fit the title of "celebrity," because he would never make it in the real world, but since he is so incredibly into himself, and since he fits number 2 pretty well, he made it.

A funny story my roommate Bob told me about Kirby Heyborne: …they met for some reason, I think it has something to do with how Bob works a lot with film and sound. Anyway, they met at some sort of event and Kirby had some t-shirts with his face really big on it. He gave Bob one and he was like ‘hey you should put this on.’ Bob assured him he’d put it on later, but Kirby insisted he put it on then and there. So, now you see why he deserves to be on our wall.

Well, its been about 2 or 3 weeks since I issued WSI Marketing a challenge to at least leave some sort of comment on my blog to let us know that they are a company run by real people and to explain their representative’s comments at the UVSC Business Expo (comments about how organic rankings are overrated because, I mean, who really wants tons of free traffic anyway?). So I guess they don’t really care what people out there are saying about them or they don’t use any google alerts or anything.

They don’t have much of an excuse now though because last time I googled “WSI Marketing” I was number 4. How funny is that?

So anyway, the challenge is still on. They can leave a comment anytime. My goal is to rank at least number 2 on the term WSI Marketing just so a puny little insignificant blog like mine can nip at the heels of a big internet marketing company on their own branded search term.

Original Story here.

So there are two funny stories here. The first one you can read here.

But there is a funny story behind the photo I am standing in front of in the picture. A couple months ago a bunch of us went on a cruise. Nate was supposed to be my roomate/fellow single person, but he had to drop out at the last minute, so the whole time I was “cruisin solo.”

If you haven’t been on a cruise, at the formal dinners there is usually a photographer taking pictures of families and couples. Preston and Jen dared me to go and request a photo alone, and said they’d even buy a copy (they usually take the picture and display it on a board, ha!) after it was posted. So I gathered my druthers, grew a hair, and went up to the photographer. I stood there for like 5 minutes. I think they assumed I was waiting for one of the families that was before me, so I had to ask if I could get a picture. The photographer said “sure” in a nervous tone.

So there’s that. We then decided it would be good to pull a Danny and take my picture in front of my picture. I really wanted to sign and send it to Danny, but everyone else thought it would be mean. Its true, Danny’s been nothing but nice, so now I kind of feel like an even bigger douche than him. Anything for a laugh though.

Anyway, we now have two pictures overlooking us in the marketing dept. I’m pretty sure we’ll be seeing more pop up in the near future.

This just in: The Barenaked Ladies suck.

Instead of performing quantitative analysis on whether or not the Barenaked Ladies suck, Lewis and I decided to play ping pong for it. If I won, they suck, if Lewis won, they’d still suck but not in Lewis’s delusional world of pink bunny rabbits and sexy Danny Gans hallucinations.

I won, so they universally suck.

The last time we played ping pong to determine if someone sucked, it was Brian Regan. Turns out he sucks too.

I was really skeptical about the movie 300, being all Hollywooded up and all, but I actually really loved it.

Warning: Spoilers

The movie is about when the cast of “Thunder From Down Under” gets roped into putting their famous Vegas strip show on hiatus to fight the evil computer animated Persians, led by their scary 7 foot tall sexually ambiguous God Xerces. The male strippers at first complain because they had to prance around and fight in little leather thongs the entire time, which can chap even the most manly among us.

Many of the men from “Thunder From Down Under” also objected because the plot outline of 300 has much less plot twists than their Vegas strip show. There were two subtle sub plots going on, with the Queen who likes to walk around town in a little rag and a leather strap and ends up getting raped (surprise surprise), while she is trying to defend her husband’s war in front of the Senate, who (surprise surprise) can’t take her seriously for some reason. There is also a super-trite father-son relationship among the ranks of the 300, which in the first 20 minutes of the movie, you know one of the two is going to have to die.

But, with an over abundance of voice over, the men go to battle (but of course not before the 5 minute sex scene crammed in for no apparent reason). I was really pleased on how 2 dimensional and soulless the characters were. I hate going to a movie where I actually begin to care about the characters, because who wants to make friends with people for just two hours, and then have to say goodbye forever?

Another scene and familiar relationship that didn’t work for lack of character development.

Another thing that I loved about the movie is that it took me right back to high school drama class. The monotone breathy overacting really reminded me of when I starred in “Where the Wild Things Are.” The layers and layers of stilted and trite dialog with occasional pseudo “classical” feeling words crammed in probably didn’t help. The voice over was about 40% of all words that were spoken during the entire movie, which reveals Frank Miller’s inability to “show” the story rather than “tell.” Not like there was a ton of complicated history to set the movie up, I guess the man just loves his voice over.

With the huge amounts of computer generated eye candy, and dramatic orchestral sounds every 3 seconds, this movie was really just a long movie trailer. And I LOVE movie trailers.

WSI is a franchised marketing firm that is one of vizad’s competitors. Dan and I had a little chat with the Utah branch guy at the UVSC Technology and Business Expo. Keep in mind that they are supposedly an SEO company.

The funny thing that a friend of mine pointed out is if you google "Utah SEO," they don’t even rank. It would be hard to trust your rankings to a company that doesn’t rank themselves. So we decided to ask them about it.

Dan said that he has a blog about local events and asked if they do SEO for local businesses. The rep emphatically said they did. We asked how well their own site ranks on the term "Utah SEO" and without missing a beat he said "not at all." He then proceeded on a 5 minute stream-of-consciousness about how there are "7-8 of their competitors at the show that focus on increasing rankings and traffic," but how they are the only ones that focus on "conversions." He kept saying weird things like "those other companies want to send you more traffic, but who wants that?"

Well of course conversions are everyone’s goal, but I’d like to know how or why you could focus on conversions without focusing any efforts on organic rankings and increasing traffic.

He also said that pay-per-click was superior over organic search results because people that click on those ads are more focused on what they are looking for, so the conversion rate is usually a bit higher. Its true that conversion rates are often higher for pay-per-click ads and so should always be a branch of a company’s marketing efforts, but do they mean to tell us that you wouldn’t want to SEO the same terms that you’re paying for? Someone shake the packing peanuts out of their hair because they are brand spanking new.

I would have asked him about that, but the conversation got really boring, and Dan and I had some important hacky sacking to get to.

Anyway, if they have their alerts on and are watching what I’m saying, they should comment here and explain some of this to us. I’m sure that it was just the rep who is confused and that the company as a whole does valuable SEO work. If we don’t see them comment, we can assume that they either really are brand spanking new (with emphasis on the spanking part) or don’t really care what people are saying.

Lewis LOVES Danny Gans. After all, he is the "Entertainer of the Year". He wrote to him asking for a signed picture, and just a couple weeks later, he got it!

Seriously, it is really obvious why he’s the entertainer of the year, I mean look at those guns! Another way to tell how awesome an entertainer is is by measuring the size of the sign that they are on. As a helpful reminder, Danny always takes his picture in front of his gigantic sign.

In mourning for the loss of his dignity, Danny only dresses in black.

Danny’s act is not only clever, its cheeky! Click here to get a taste. Be warned that his beautiful olive oil voice is more addictive than heroin, and may also make you throw up in your mouth.

We put the signed picture in our office so as to look over us.  It works because I think he’s reached sainthood.